I have the privilege of being able to make the choice of staying with my daughter and see her grow up. My husband and I both have this privileged of choice. This morning I woke up to Tania sleeping Beside me on our bed. Simon explained that she wet her bed last night. Simon was frazzled from not enough sleep and I still have my headache from last night.
Both Simon and I are living quite a different lifestyle we had few years ago. Simon worked at an International Humanitarian NGO which deployed him to places around Indonesia and abroad as well as frequent travel domestically and abroad. I was deeply rooted with peace building, reconciliation and interfaith activities with grassroots Ambon. but then we both went abroad to study and then.... we had Tania.
I must admit, I felt lost and jealous of others in motion around me. I am not second guessing and regret having Tania... God knows I never did. But frankly any mother/parents will definitely go through this phase of transition. I am glad that both Simon and I go through this together and that we have the same ideas of what we want out life to become.
Tania became the center of our world. We arrange our schedule and activities around her. It's not easy trying to put everything in proportion. We are blessed beyond measures that we have and are able to make our own choice. After our return from our study in UK. Simon and I spent few months not working and just enjoying our time with Tania. We are blessed with families of both sides who have no expectation or demand of us. It's the way our life and our society functions. Imagine what will become of us when we live in the 'western' society where it's almost dis empowering to live with your parents once you come of age. Once we marveled at the amazing simplicity and contentment of our life that we go around for more than a month with only Rp. 50,000,- (3.57 pounds or 4 dollar-ish) in our pockets. and yet, we never lack a thing.
When we wanted to start working, Simon and I went back teaching at my family run Language center where I can do that from home still watching over Tania. We went on countless picnics, stimulate Tania's learning, spend time playing and reading to her... just bonding with her. When we take more serious job as part time lecturer, Simon and I arrange that when one is teaching the other will stay with Tania. Still, on rare occasion where we both are needed, we have our extended family to fend for us.
Believe you me, though it sounded fairy tale-ish... It's not always so. The price of transition are always too real. We have one or two slip ups, arguments, frustration etc... but Thank God things work out in the end.
So why am I telling you this? I do not want to boast not drool you with my story. I am still battling urges to be free as the wind again. To spend my time roaming the city and do activities with my friends. But perhaps... I grow up... hehehehe... no... It will make growing up sounds so dull and ... wrong... I think having Tania give your life a better perspective. Children teach us not to be selfish.
Lately, I (we) have been busier. Business and work are running very well. Demand for our skills and traits are increasing. Then Tania dropped the bomb as she called me on the phone one night as I was riding the public transport back from my night class down at the city center.
"Mommy, Where are you?"
"Hi, honey. Mommy is in the (public) car. I am on my way home"
"This is awfuly late Mommy" (It was almost 8 PM. I will probably be home past 8)
"I know dear. I am sorry. I have just finished with my class. Have you had your dinner"
"Yes. I have. But you are very late. This is past dinner time"
"I know dear. I am sorry"
"Mommy you always never have dinner with me anymore. You said dinner is important for family"
She was 41/2 years old. She's my wake up call.
The most important thing in life that God gave you is your family. and I have lost sight of that. I let my 'work' define me. I neglect my little girl and my family.
So though it breaks my heart. I make a decision to postpone for a few month a class that I love very much to teach. The class where I still have so much ideas to share with. I made a promise to myself to be more present for her. Simon and I enforce new rules. No Gadgets (phone, ipad, etc) on dining table at home or at the restaurants. We need to talk. We are loosing our valuable time to gadgets. This realization came to us one day when we were at the restaurants and I was texting a friend. Simon took away my phone and told me to look around the restaurant. Everyone at the tables were sitting side by side fixated to their phone. They do not even talk to each other. He said, "Do we want to be like that?". Hell, no I don't. So we bring pencil and paper. Tania draw and chat with us. We talked about things... important and nonsense. We argue... we connect.
Anyway, If you are able. If your life present you with choice then choose family (children,husband,wife) over work and other activities. But if you cannot, That's fine. don't beat yourself up because of it.
I do not blame nor look down to families who have to work around the clock to provide for their family. I salute them for making that sacrifice. You got to do what you got to do. I am also not better than those working full time mom. I know i may become one of them perhaps next year as the finalization of my official government employee status is instated. But when I do have to work 8-5, God help me to be present when I am with my little girl and my husband.
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