So... who are the bad people?

Kids with their innocence are wise beyond their age. If only all the grown up possess or perhaps still cling to an ounce of these innocence will perhaps lead this world to be a better place. My heart is sadden with what happen in Egypt and these past few days, Syria. News from all around the world show war and killing everyday. Syria tragedy really broke my heart. All those childrens lifeless... with future and childhood ruthlessly robbed from them. I honestly avoided the news these past few days... quickly clicking to other link and scrolldown the facebook newsfeed whenever I see another news or pictures of Syrian massacre. No... It's not that I don't care... I am a mother and I saw my daughter in each and every one of those children in war-torn areas... It is painful.

These past few days I have been struggling to keep up with my dissertation deadline. I mostly came home exhausted and fall to sleep right after dinner. However, I have a habit of waking up very early for quiet time. Those are the times, I looked at my daughter and wonder what kind of world she will grow up into? Praying for wisdom to raise her in Christian faith. Praying for her innocence and curiosity will develop healtily towards constructive and caring character. How I want to savour those moments as she sleepily trace her tiny hand on my neck - she always do this for comfort, then snuggle closely while breathing steadily. I can only pray and do my best to raise you little girl. Instead... my daughter with her innocence, reminded me of all those pearls of wisdom from day to day with her fresh perspective of life.

Arundel Castle - Photo from the Internet

Yesterday, we had a day-out to Arundle Castle in West Sussex. Simon, me and Tania together with our brothers and sisters from Holland who were visiting us in Brighton. It was a wondeful day, even the rain did not dampen our spirit to explore the castle and the village. The castle was beautiful and very well preserved. - I will continue the entry about the castle later - Anyhow... we explore the castle keep where there were the castle dungeons

Arundel Castle Dungeons

Tania and I looked down to the dungeon and saw a manequin doll posing as a prisoner to reenact the old days. she said, "Mommy, I saw something. What is that down there?"
I said, "That's a prisoner honey"
She said, "But Mommy... why?"
"Well...long time ago they put bad people in the dungeon"
Tania looked down again and think for a minute then she said,
"but... but.. but... Mommy! No Mommy... BAD people put people in the dungeon."

There you go... Wisdom out of the mouth of babes...
In the light of Syria... in the light of any war anywhere...
who are we to reduce others as enemy...
and justify punishing them to the point that you took their life away from them.
Who are you to play god?

Library

I love spending time at the Library, one because of the books. I love books, their smell, their physical presence that symbolizes rows and rows of rich knowledge ready to devoured. I love the still sound of the Silent study space, where sometimes near lunch time, my rumbling tummy threathened to turn me into a vicious troll whom everyone will cast and evil eyes on.

This morning as I waited for the library computer to boot, I cast my eyes around the social study areas where I have been 'nesting' for the past 3 weeks. Indeed, I see the same face on exactly the same spot. Different clothes and different hairdo.. but the same person, same frown and same dead serious stare on their computer screen. Occasionally, there's a new person who came early and seize someone 'regular' spot. Then that someone will come along, stop for a second few steps from the occupied 'regular' spot... cast a killing look toward the 'regular' spot snatcher then take a deep breath before unwantingly looking for a new spot.

I have several favourite spot in the library. I get bored easily and need suitable spot for different study need. Sussex University Library (Which I am sure similar to other library) has different study areas: Social Study areas, Quiet Study areas and Silent Study area. I am more of a silent study areas person. Silence helps my brain to focus and able to produce productive thoughts. One of my classmates and fellow library 'sitter', claimed that the silent study area drives her crazy. She needs to see people around or at least some movements and sounds. She always picks the social study areas. However, lately I have been using the social study areas simply because they have wide screen so I can see 2 or 3 douments at once. This is beneficial for my cross analizying research findings and comceptual frameworks. However, I do not really like the surrounding. First, too many people walking here and there. Second, people talking (although in a low hushed voice) but that's distracting. Third, nosey people glancing over the sceen I am working... that's highly irritating. Fourth, the ding sound of the elevator and the bam sound of the swing door always drives me mad.

Therefore, by lunch time, I shall look for another spot before I lose my sanity.

Anyway, do you have a favourite Library spot?

My hands are too short

For the past few weeks, my daughter had been speaking more and more in English.
With that, comes the added confidence for her to speak to other kids we met on the playground.
Yesterday, I sat on on the sofa of the kids corner in Jubilee Library watching her playing with the Ride-on Snail and Race Cars and her attempt to engage with other kids.
She said to one of the girls, "Can I play with you, please?"
I held my breath and clutched my heart to my chest.
The little girls said 'Yes, What's your name?"
I can breathe....

That very moment I realized...
I can never shelter my precious girl forever
She will one day fly and build her life her own way
I will never always be there to protect or care for her

I can always say she's beautiful, smart and kind
But someone might bully her in the playground or maybe online
Saying hurtful things that are not true about her
I may not always know, see or do something about it

We walk hand in hands and I can always catch her when she tripped and fall
but I may never always be there when life hit her hard.
When roads she chooses are twisted and  bent,
I may not always be there at its every turn to tell her which way to go

And one day, when her heart linger for that special someone,
I may not always be the one she will listen
when her heart is falling deep in the flowery bed
I can't blame her... It's her time


I cannot tell other what to think about my little girl
but I can teach my little girl to respect and love herself

My hands are too short to hold her hand
And I know, the only thing I can do is to pray....
for her protection and comfort
for good friends and lasting friendship
for healthy attitude towards herself
for those times when she needed something or someone to hang on
for to help her stand when she falls
for that special someone who will be her life companion

Know this, my baby girl
My knees are only short distance to the floor
whereas my hands are short, God's hand will keep you safe wherever you are. 

Updates on Cancer Research UK - Race for Life (-18 days)

I was never a runner. I am not keen on running. I find that running is boring. So you said to me, why taking up 5K running challenge then? Well, once in your life you got to do something different that pushed you way out of your comfort zone. Running is Definitely NOT my comfort zone. It is way... Waaaaaaay... out there for the above reason I mentioned. However, I am doing this for an important causes. One, to pledge my support for those battling cancer and two, to raise fund for cancer research.

It is now more than a month since I pledge my support and registered to run. Few days ago, running T-Shirt and running number arrived. I opened it in total disbelief that I ACTUALLY will be doing this. I pondered at the fact that my training routine is a mess. Trying to balance house life, dissertation and a monstrous denial, procrastination and dislike of running feeling is like a trying to drag a tractor across a football field with your teeth. I am tremendously  blessed for My better-hal, Simon, who allow me to explore these part of me and have always been supportive.

Last week, I injured my knee and left leg. I think I was pushing it too far with incorrect warm-up and cool-down routines. This week I am begin again. This morning, I did a longer warm-up and exercise gradual pace acceleration. I am still on Sudden burst technique which means I am behind in training when I was supposed to be running a longer and steady period now. But, I am not afraid... The most important thing is not to be injured which will put a long paused in my training, where everyone knows, starting again will means I need to drag that tractor across the football field with my teeth again. 

Almost the End

Wow... How time flies!
The Facebook Notification of Invitation to Official Chevening Farewell Event made me jump. 
So soon... But it only confirming the near future that we all know and expected to happen. 

Soon, I need to submit my Dissertation Proposal. Then the battle to complete the dissertation over Summer will commenced. Then Comes the Dissertation deadline followed by a cocktail of emotions - a mix between weeks of sleep deprivation and high brain activities, Hibernation from social life, family life and social media life, Too much or too little eat depending on what the stress does to you. 

It's a wake up call of how my study has overwhelmed me and the proof is that I do not update my blog as often as I used to. 

Anyway, The end is at sight. What I need to do now... is to keep calm and carry on! Keeping my sight on the final line and do my best to finish...

As my Chinese friend will say to me 'FIGHTING!!'

Run!... Cancer Run!

Yep! That's it! No second thoughts... I am running for Cancer Research UK- Race for Life.

For the past few months, Cancer Research UK TV ad for Race for Life has tugged something in me. I know many of my friends whose life been beaten up by cancer. Many of them show the courage and great strength that I know can only come from their strong faith in God and from the love and care of family and friends. Sometimes I find me hesitating to type a message of encouragement, to say... I am praying for you... to say God will show you the way. For all its worth, I know that for those in battle those uplifting messages can come at the time they needed the most and that small act of kindness such as an FB message can be a source of strength for them to keep going. Then, I saw the Ad. One morning, in the middle of the madness trying to finish my Spring term essay, I call my husband and said, "I am going to do the 5K Race for life this June". I am sure my husband was stunned of this out of the blue message. For one, It was a long time since the sporty me kicked. So this is a huge revelation.

But the truth is, this is my way of saying, I care about all of my family and friends who inspired me in in their battle. I owe this especially to my best friend and soul sister, Emily Pember with her Ministry, 4-Hope of Massachusetts. Her relentless ministry to support people who are going through a life threatening illness inspired me to take this little challenging step. My Cancer research 5K run sponsor ship will not touch her ministry directly but I hope it will contribute to finding the cure to cancer and other devastating illness. If you are reading this and felt the calling to help Emily and her ministry, please click on the link to learn more.

This is also owe to my dear sister in faith, Nur Moebius, whose son, Junaid, passed away from Neuroblastoma. Her battle reminded me that Cancer effected more than the person, it devastated the family and friends too.

So, I invited you to share your story if you ever have Cancer messing with you, your family or your friends. Please support my cause by making donation and/or Coming to Stanmer Park, Brighton, UK, Saturday 29th June 2013 and cheer me on.

Beautiful Woman

Ilustration pic taken from TrialX.com

I saw her again this morning. A very beautiful woman.
Every morning between 8 - 9 am whenever I am at the bus stop, she will passed me walking hand in hand with her Son. She always wears jeans, t-shirt, fleece jacket and a red or pink bandana under her sports cap to cover her bald head. Yes, She is bald. The effect of Chemo Therapy... because of cancer.

Ooh Please do not 'awwww..' in sadness or pity... Because there is nothing to pity about her.
For all this time I saw her (about 4 months now), she always wears a bright colored tops. In winter, her fleece jacket is either, red, blue or green. She walks with springs in her steps and smile on her face. Her sons, she has 2 sons, always walk hand in hand with her and they almost skipped in glee instead of walking. They always chat about something. You can see a strong bond between the mother and sons. You can see love.

I don't know her full story.
I overhead once from someone at the bus stop that she had chemo for cancer treatment.
But all I know, she is a strong and beautiful woman.
She has cancer but she doesn't let it beat her down.
I don't know in what state she is: is she recovering or just counting time?
Either way, she doesn't let it dictate her. She doesn't let it eat her and her family alive.
She enjoy and makes every second a cherished time.
She claims what is precious in life... those valuable seconds to show others you love them.

I pray for you, dear beautiful courageous woman.
Thank you for teaching me what matters most in life.
Thank you for teaching me not to be beaten by life darkest moment.

So for all of you who read this and thought how awful you life is, please think of this woman and how she chooses to be positive and make every moment counts.

April Fool's Can't Fools Death

The first day of this month, My cousin brother's status on Facebook about the death of his friend startled me. The name he wrote is the name I am familiar with. It's some one I know, a relative from my husband's side in Waai village. She was 20 years old... 1 April is her 20th birthday and the day she returned to her maker. This is my tribute to Little Nona, Loura Gloria Matakupan. Beautiful Soul gone too soon.

We don't really know each other very well.
Our talks were around hello, good bye, see you, how are you, what are you doing now etc...
I never share chat time, discussion time etc like good friends do
but more than words, I remember your smiles and your whole being in those moments I met you.
I met you on Matakupan Family Monthly Prayer Gathering or any Matakupan's Family gathering or Christmas. You are always look different in my eyes. Maybe it is because you are taller than any other girl... May be it was your slight boyish demeanor in you simple sweet attire. You always manage look sweet and polite. I once saw you on the street when you are walking with your friends... You were teasing each other and you laugh out loud... no, we never get to laugh out loud together.
Between us there were always polite, friendly and kind smiles and nods.

We last met on the public transport on the way back to Waai. It was late afternoon and we both were running to catch the same public transport. We sat towards the back of the car, the place where you can open the window and have a bit more space to yourself because on your left/right there's only the rear glass window of the car. We both opened the window and laughed a little laugh commenting on the hot weather and out dusty shoes. The car waited for more people to fill the empty seats. I asked about her study and whether she liked it. She said she liked Medical study and will try to do her best. She asked about my husband, Simon and my daughter, Tania. I asked her about her Taekwondo / Karate that she's doing.

Then more people board the bus. Our chat stopped.
The car began running and we fell to our own world.
She slipped on her earphones and flicked through her phones to find the suitable theme song for the ride. I did the same. My mind was already thinking about the list of things I need to prepare for my departure to England. I worry about my daughter fussy eating and whether she made my mom-in-law tired today.

She wore a pale pink skirt, a white slightly fit to her body Shirt, a dark flat shoes and a sling bag. with her boyish demeanor, she reminded me of the younger boyish me. I wore a Jeans, a blue paisley pattern shirt, a mountain sandals and a black backpack. It was a very dry and dusty day. We both sweat and our skins were matted with sweat, oil and dust. It was not a special day. In fact it was a tiring day. But who would have thought that that sweltering hot day in the public bus was my last memory of you.

Your death got me thinking about life. Your Facebook page was flooded by a mix of Happy Birthday and Condolences. Several of your friends wonder 'aloud' on your page whether it was only an April Fools Prank. I did wish that It was just an awful prank just because you were born on the day everyone pull pranks on each other. But it wasn't. It was true. No fools. No pranks. You were gone.
I scrolled down your page reading each and every comments to the thread.
People are saying how sad and how deeply you are missed. They tell me and the world about who you are: A good Friend, A listener, A kind hearted person but also a cheeky and funny friend. Those comments sum up your 20 years of life.

Your last post on your facebook was...
"Thanks God... for the year past... and thanks god for this new year... bless me god... warn me if I want to make mistake... amien.. Yeahhhhhhh... I'm 20th now" dated 1st of April few hours before you return to your Maker.

I read it with goosebumps running all over my spine.
How very fragile the life of mortals. The bible says "Yet as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death." (1 Sam 20:3). For the next 2 weeks, I found myself kept clicking you facebook profile. I know, it's silly. But I wanted to see all those comments left on your FB page. They knew you;re gone but you are Greatly missed. Picture tribute, messages, statuses tagged to you etc... We may never yet know what happen on the other side... but here on earth life goes on and you are not forgotten.

Today, I saw the draft post about you that was store in my blog archive. I know I must put this on my blog. Because for someone I didn't really close relationship with, you death brought impact to my life and many life around you. God has a purpose for everyone's life, for mine too, and all I know, God has a strange way of letting me know and reminding of what's important in life. All this made me think hard about life, about legacy that you left behind. I am no perfect person. but I can start today to do things differently with my life.

Farewell Little Nona Loura. Rest in the arms of your Maker. God give strength and comfort to family and friends you left behind. --

Life is the thing that carry on happening in between those snapshots

We had dinner the other night at my classmates house in the beautiful Brighton Marina Apartment complex. It was the first of our Girls' Cook-eat-Dinner-together in Spring Term, that we usually throw almost once a week during the Autumn Term (except that now we have Simon and Tania too. Tania is a girl so Simon is the blessed one among the girls). There's something about this spring term that just haled everything, the shock of last term grades perhaps, the too many hours spent on catching up with reading perhaps, the Easter breaks and bank holidays perhaps, the weight of preparing the teaching practice perhaps... or all of the above. For me it is all of that PLUS juggling motherhood and Wife-hood and a best-friend to my better-half and my daughter. Yes.. yes... I am making excuses for the fact that this is my 1st entry since the my last Spring Term in Winter on January 26th. Lame.. I know... however, it is another fact I cannot ran away from. I was overwhelmed and my energy drained faster. Other than that everything been fantastic. I was looking through a bunch of pictures. some has been posted on Facebook or Instagram and I thought everyone can see those pictures and see how wonderful life is... most of the pictures are smiling, joyful gathering or food and interesting things around it. Some people got jealous or feeling comforted by assuming how beautiful and well planned someone's life by looking at those pictures. But hey! life is what goes on happening in between those snapshots... the seconds after 'SMILEEEE" **Click** **Snap**... and the smile disappear then comes another shots... another smile... and another... and another...
the most beautiful thing is that eventhough sometimes there are frown and sigh in between we managed to smile for our next snapshot... That's OK... Life does go on... all you need is prayers, patience, friends and family... also... that for once in a while you may say... "I not very good at this" and seek help. really... life is fabulous

Spring Term in Winter

Tania took this picture. It sums up our situation at the moment... hehehehe..

It is indeed funny to say we're on Spring term when outside the snow is falling down.
Yes, the spring term has begun and I have chill in my spine not because of the below zero temperatures but for the thoughts of the long to-do lists of every day life with my 2 years old, catching up with readings and class forum discussions, cooking and cleaning and other responsibilities.
I honestly cannot fathomed the ability and consequences that will befall this first part of the term.
I am literally counting the days, hours and minutes until my husband's return in March.
So yes, February scares me... However, I am putting my trust in the Lord and I am taking one day at a time. I am being taught a valuable lesson here. I am sure all this comes with strength and ability to cope and to come our as winner above the situation. It comes with consequences that I am prepared to take.
So.... I am taking a deep breath and take one day at a time...
Here we go into the spring term in winter